[Sorry, serious blogging will resume shortly. The brain is well-fried today.]

Bloggers are a notoriously contentious bunch. We bicker, we argue, we throw around words like they were nothing, and frankly, we waste a lot of time because no one ever wins. This is a situation which I feel obliged to resolve, and resolve it I shall, in the traditional manner. Giant Battle Monsters.

For instance, you know that Chris Geidner and I go back and forth frequently. Well, finally we know that if Anthony Attacks Chris With Intelligence, Chris wins. (He'll be gratified at that.)

On the other hand, if Anthony Rickey attacks Heidi Bond using Intelligence, Anthony wins. (She'll be more annoyed that she's a giant blob and not a chicken than anything else, but I can't get anything chickenish to show up no matter how many variants of her name I use.)

But these are just squirmishes. Let's get to the big boys:

• Instapundit attacks Daily Kos using Strength: Instapundit.
  
• Andrew Sullivan attacks Atrios using Agility: Not only does Sullivan win, but he's " a Giant Ape that has a Long Neck, a Terrible Roar and a Humorous Nephew Sidekick." I hear Hollywood is trying to cast the sidekick roll for the upcoming movie.
  
• Crooked Timber attacks Little Green Footballs using Intelligence: Victory to Crooked Timber.
  
• Counterintuitively, when Howard Bashman takes on the Volokh Conspiracy with Agility, the ever-nimble Bashman stumbles. How's that?
  
• Who's tougher at the The Yin Blog? Tough call. My money was on Tung Yin, but when Kevin Jon Heller attacks him using strength, Heller (cold-blooded and wreathed with flames...CANNOT BE STOPPED) delivers the smackdown.

And what about the religious battles of the blawgers? When Irishlaw takes on Chris Geidner, who cares who wins, at least they'll both agree. I mean, he's pretty certain she's a giant dragon that "can Change Colour and is Covered with a Thick Slime," and she's not going to take much convincing to agree he "projects a Purple Forcefield and Screeches When Angry."

As you can see, all disputes between bloggers should be subject to definitive resolution through trial by Giant Battle Monsters.